"Those who wish to sing always find a song"

I wrote this back in Dublin just before this past New Year's eve, which was a very difficult time. I don't think many that should have caught it, did, so I'm reposting on this new blog. A few months have passed and I think about it, and all of you, often. It's all still so hard, but I'm glad you're all still hanging in with me.
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December 28, 2006

"Those who wish to sing always find a song"

...the above is an old Swedish proverb.

I used to love to sing; can't carry a note, but that never stopped me from belting one out, without notice, at the top of my lungs. And I thought I knew the lyrics to just about everything.

I used to hear songs everywhere and would happily sing along. I heard them in my family; little notes in little voices, in the faces of the kids I love; friends' kindnesses; in the kindness of strangers; in my kitty cat; in places other people didn't notice; in many a joke-filled hour. All this helped fill my repertoire. I sang along - with gusto.

I knew my life had changed on New Year's Eve 2005. I remember the moment. It was instantaneous. I just knew my life would never be the same. And I was right. It was hard to hear anything. An invisible presence skulked around me, stalking me - pulling at me, pushing me down, dragging me backwards, holding on and threatening to smother me until I could barely move or speak, let alone sing - until April of this year, when it engulfed me whole, muffling me completely.

I realize maybe it isn't that I can't find a song, I just haven't wished to sing. I know that I'm surrounded by beautiful notes and music; I'm reminded of that every day in my thoughtful, caring family; my beloved mother, who I know has had the same problem singing as myself; my friends who, and I know even more than ever now, have been humming steadily and unwaveringly to me all along. I hope you all know I tried to hear you. I hope you know how thankful I am.

So we all stand on the edge of a new arrangement, with lyrics yet to be written. Notes yet to be set to music. A new year. Perhaps a song to sing. Perhaps the wish to sing it.

I offer all my love to you all, especially those who have also missed music in their lives and have felt their own kind of silence. May the New Year bring you all health and happiness, with beautiful songs to be found in both familiar and unexpected places. Please sing. I hope to hear more clearly.

Those who wish to sing always find a song. I know she would want me to sing, as she always has; even, or maybe especially, if it's in my own off-key way. I hope to find a song. I hope. And that's the difference.

XXX